Pick a Side

There has been much anticipation about this particular blog; not just from those of you who are supporting me in this process, and not just from members of Chapel Hill who are interested in how the Sound and Sand Encounter part 2 went, but also, from me. My own heart. I am very curious to see the end result of this blog entry about the desert. I have processed the trip to a point, but I still have a lot of mixed emotions swirling around in me so it should be interesting to see what conclusions this leads me to.

For those of you who don't know about what Sound and Sand is, let me rock your world real fast. Our church in Gig Harbor, WA partnered with a ministry in Jerusalem called Musalaha. (Arabic for Reconciliation). The organization, Musalaha, is a Christian organization that works to reconcile relationships between Israelis and Palestinians. The Sound and Sand Encounter is the name of the project that would result in 9 Christian young adults from each country -Israel, Palestine, and America - participating in the active process of reconciliation not once, but twice. The first was the Sound part - since we are close to the Puget Sound.  The second part, Sand, was in the Wadi Rum desert this last April in Jordan.

From the time of the last SSE Encounter in August to this April, I have been sweating bullets about many things, but probably in my top 10 was this trip to the desert and the haunting words of Tanas Alqassis, one of the Palestinian leaders. Last August, we were hiking up the most ridiculously steep trail at a place called Paradise Trail on Mt. Rainier or as I like to call it, "Voluntary Lung Death Walk," as there was declining oxygen levels with every step you took, and I had bronchitis at the time. I think it was half way up as I was contemplating in my head how long it would take me to roll down to the bottom of this mountain if I passed out, when I heard from in front of me in a half Arab/half British accent, "You think this is hard? Just wait until the desert trip in April." For someone who was trying to focus on each individual step up the mountain as a victory in life, that totally popped my balloon of encouragement.

I made it to the to;  did a small victory dance......in my head of course since my legs were no longer responding to the neurological messages sent from my brain to my lower body. Of course I am dramatizing the situation, I was the last one up the mountain, but still kicked butt and if we are counting who got where first, you'd be happy to know I cam in 1st place on the way back down; Oh ya...gravity finally was on my side! But what Tanas had said to me on the mountain was more prophetic than even he knew. I spent the majority of the time between that moment and our hike in the desert worrying about surviving the future Wadi Rum. What if no matter how much water I drank, I still died of heat stroke? haha But really, I was told I was going to be the designated medical person on the trip, so if I keeled over, then I would be SOL. (which isn't true since everyone who's been in the Israeli army AKA the majority of the Israeli young adults, have all had medical training.) All in all, the August trip was amazing! I had never felt closer to God than at that time. I saw so many amazing bonding moments between us all that occurred largely because we had Christ in common.

Before the first encounter when I would talk about SSE, Musalaha and our mission to bring Palestinians and Israelis together in peaceful relation, many would give me a pat on the shoulder, maybe even a roll of their eyes and finish it off  with a smirking, "Good Luck!" Another popular reaction from people was to respond by telling me what "side" they were on and why.

 I would hear from:

Christians who were Pro-Israel who would tell me why they were against Palestine.
    -God says in the bible that the land belongs to the Jews. Everyone else can get out.
    - Because all the Palestinians are Muslims and want to push Israel in the ocean.
    - Because the Arab countries are terrorists; the same kind that caused 9/11
    - They have to protect themselves from suicide bombers waging jihad. We don’t' negotiate with terrorists.
Christians who were Pro-Palestine and would tell me why they were against Israel.
   - Because the Jews pushed the Palestinians off their land, from their homes
   - Because the Jews have more power than the Palestinians and abuse and murder them for no reason
   -The Jews and Arabs used to live together peacefully, but Jews are greedy and want it all to themselves.      - The Jews are doing to the Palestinians what the Nazis did to them in the Holocaust

These are not my opinions, rather the things I was hearing from American Christians before SSE even started. Of course, I also heard lots of encouragement as well from people who were excited to see what God would do with this group.

 To tell you the truth, I didn't even know what to expect or what would happen. It wasn't until I witnessed it, until I was a part of building those relationships. Miracles happened, and I didn't even recognize how monumentous they were until after this second half of SSE.

 The first encounter, God used me many times. That was the most significant experience I took away from SSE part 1. Sure it was cool that two groups, who didn't get along before, now get along. Hey! Cool beans, right? But really, how hard could it be to make friends with someone else. Like I said earlier, I couldn't even comprehend the significance of forming these relationships until I came here, to Israel and Palestine, and saw for myself the many reasons for hatred between the two countries. No matter how many documentaries I watched, books about the conflict I read, or even the two weeks of hearing stories from people that actually live the conflict everyday; I couldn't REALLY understand it until I came here.

Here is where it started:

The first week was geared toward educating us (the Americans Young Adults) about the conflict, cultures, and religions of the region.  We went to a refugee camp, toured around, saw the wall, heard a presentation from a couple of the guys who grew up there, we toured around Bethlehem, Ramallah, Jerusalem and saw some holy sites, historical sites, and interacted with the people. All the while, I was conflicted inside with everything that I had heard from other Christians before I came.

Some told me that "the Palestinians would say anything to make the foreigners feel sorry for them and take their side. They will tell you stories of victimization to make you feel sorry for them. Don't believe them. They are lies." 
        I saw the refugee camps, the poverty in them. The people told me stories just like I was warned they would. They told us that the Israeli army comes into their homes at night and takes their boys to prison, that the soldiers on the wall will just start shooting at them unprovoked, about how they will mock and tease them at checkpoints making them make faces or get undressed in public.  But the problem is here - how can so many people make up the same story? Why would a whole community live in poverty just to fool some foreigners? There is something to experiencing a conversation yourself. You can look at body language, tone of voice, and overall impression of the person which gives you an idea of the truth to that person’s statement. I saw truth in some of their stories.

Before I left I was also told by some American Christians that "Israel is an oppressor. They only care about themselves. As long as they get the land they want, they don't care how many Arab families they have to kill or remove from their homes to get. They hate the Palestinians because they think they all want to kill the Jews."  
     But if that were true then the rest of the world would know about it and wouldn't allow it. I know and trust the word of the young Israeli adults who are part of SSE, who have served in the army. They wouldn't do that. They are obviously friends with 9 other Arab Christians, so obviously they don’t' hate them. I walked through the checkpoints and didn’t' see any Arabs get hassled. If anything I got hassled more than with Israeli security than the Palestinians. (Probably because I looked lost most the times.) But I did see how families were separated on each side of the wall. I saw the scar from a bullet on the shoulder of a Palestinian who was giving a presentation. I went through the Israeli checkpoints INSIDE the west bank not just on their borders. I saw the Jewish settlements on the tops of hills within the west bank agreed upon territory. They were like little barbed wire encased housing developments surrounded by Arab towns and houses in the West Bank. So what do I believe?

This is when SSE part 2 started for me.

During this time I witnessed truth, pain, anger, lies, pride etc. and I was trying to make sense of it all. I was trying to find truth. All of a sudden I had a war going on within me. I felt the need to pick a side. With all of these injustices, human rights violations, murder, and corrupt world organizations that I was hearing about, I felt sick in side. Who was telling the truth? Who was lying? Both sides can't be right? God, where do you fit into all of this? Why do I feel like I need to pick a side? How can I stay neutral?   I saw a struggle within other Americans as well. I wasn't the only one grappling. But I have 9 close Palestinians friends and I have 9 close Israeli friends. How do they get along?

All of a sudden, I am realizing how miraculous the formations of those cross cultural relationships were that last August.  I am trying to think back to that time and remember, how did they become friends? How did they learn to love one another? If this is how it really is over here, then how? I wanted to learn. I didn't know what was truth and what was fiction. I wanted to be mad at someone, but whom? One minute, my heart is telling me to be mad at Israel. How can they do the things that some of the Palestinians have told us they have done? But I can't go against Israel, because they are God's people. The Bible says whoever goes against Israel goes against God. I don't want to go against God. AND THEN FIVE MINUTES LATER: I want to be mad at Palestine! How can they harbor members of terrorist organizations that aim to hurt innocent people? If they are really that upset with the security measures that Israel takes, then why not rise up against the people in their country who are causing the need for security threats? By not doing anything about the problem, terrorist organizations can still exist and cause harm. Just like the bomb in the Jerusalem bus station a couple months ago. My friends could have been there. AND THEN FIVE MINUTES LATER....I was mad at the things Israel was doing FIVE MINUTES LATER...I'm mad at Palestine. The crash course education for the Americans was causing a Bi-Polar cocktail of emotions for me. You have heard of a love-hate relationship......well I was simultaneously feeling both intense anger and intense love for both Palestine and Israel....yea......try that one on for size. I didn't even know it was possible to have both of those feelings for both sides all at ONCE.

Keep in mind that the desert portion hasn't happened yet. This was only the first week.  Though we have seen a few people here and there, we hadn't had the opportunity to meet up with the whole SSE group yet.

As we are headed to Jordan for the Sand part of the trip and all this craziness of emotion was going on inside me, I have a realization.  This was OUR reconciliation trip, the Americans.  During the first encounter in WA, we didn't have a whole lot to reconcile with. We had the information, but it wasn't REAL yet for us. We had to imagine what it was like for the Israeli's and Palestinians.

Our roles as Americans at this point, were tools for God to use. According to both the Israeli and Palestinian participants and Musalaha leadership, we were the catalysts and mediators. That was our job in the first SSE, and it was God who used us this way. For the most part, we didn't even know how we contributed until the debriefing post SSE part 1 when we received that feedback.  Musalaha leaders said that they had never seen relationships between the groups form so quickly and that adding a third party (Americans) allowed that to happen.  We gained some solid relationships with amazing believers, but we didn't really have anything to reconcile. We didn't even know we were part of the conflict at this point.

So what was significant about the Sand Encounter? Everyone wants to know, including me. :) It seemed as if so many amazing things happened last August with this group, but I didn't see it right away after the conclusion of this Encounter. I knew it wasn't a waste, but it seemed sort of anticlimactic compared to the immediate awesomeness of the first Encounter. But I figured it out.

SSE part two was the time for the Americans to grapple and reconcile with the conflict and this time, the Israelis and Palestinians were the mediators for us. For me, that's what the desert was about, our true reconciliation. After the first week here, I didn't know what reconciliation looked like for the Israeli/Palestinian conflict. I knew that I was there in August, I saw it happen, and I thought I was part of it, so why could I not do it right now in my heart?

I couldn't wait to get to the desert! I need to talk to my friends. What is true? What is false? How did you reconcile? I want to know?

When we got to the desert, I started asking. Not at first. Of course I hadn't seen my friends in 8 months and I wanted to hug them and know how their life was, who they were dating, how is school, and their family....you know all the important questions. :) But the restlessness within my spirit was still very strong. I have this unique opportunity to speak with people I TRUST, and ask them the questions that have been torturing me. One on one, I talked, I complained, I accused, I cried and they listened.

That was another miracle of August - that I could form relationships with 18+ strangers in two weeks that left me so comfortable with them, that I could go to any one of them in this emotional state and have hard conversations and we both walk away still loving and respecting each other.

I watched conversations between the Israelis and Palestinians more intently than I did before. I had such an awareness of their love for one another which left me praising God for how great He is. It is because of Him that these relationships are as loving and strong as they are. FLOURISHING AND STRONG!

I learned something profound from every SSE'er I talked to about my internal struggle to find the middle and to be free of the anger I had about the conflict and obscurity of the truth. In my conversations I learned some big things that were causing all this emotion for me.

1.) I was taking the sides of all the people back home who I talked to about this trip/conflict. It was like I took every person with me and was voicing their concerns/points/arguments. I would bring those points up in my conversations with my Israeli and Palestinian friends and by doing this I will be able to have accurate and informed discussion with them when I get back; although, it was exhausting to try to hold so many separate and conflicting truths and to keep them separate from my own questions.

2.) Another aspect that was preventing me from gaining any headway was that I was trying to put politics and God on the same level. Didn't work. Just because Christians don't agree on political issues back home, doesn’t' mean we are any less Christian. Anyway, I don’t' know how to word that to make sense, but moral is politics and God don't mix very well here either. Politics are of this world.

In a conversation with one of the male messianic Jews, I finally had a breakthrough moment as a result of his words. I had told him about a comment I had heard from a Palestinian in the refugee camp we visited. The Palestinian had accused Israeli soldiers of shooting at children for no reason; and I asked my Israeli friend if it was true? "Do soldiers really do that?" I asked.  I was expecting him to deny this claim right off the bat, but instead he tells me, "I don't know." He said that there are so many lies on both sides and corruption that I don't know what to believe anymore.  

I don't even know how to convey the impact that that statement had and still has on me. I DON'T KNOW.  The series of thoughts that followed gave me that AHHHHHHH, sun beam shiny, light bulb turned ON, conflict and turmoil shattering moment in which I was just.........RELEASED. 

As those words left his mouth in the back of a jeep somewhere in the Wadi Rum desert, they just silenced me as I retreated inward to think. He doesn't know? And he is okay with that? But he is an Israeli, so I was totally expecting unwavering denial of anything wrong doing, like I might do for my country, but instead he says, "I don't know?" And even though He doesn't know, He still loves the Palestinians Christians here with us.  And then BAM, it hit me. To pick a side, to want to defend your country out of knowledge, pride, or ignorance; that is OF THIS WORLD. There is a truth, and it is Jesus.  I do have to pick a side. I pick the side of Jesus. His side calls us to not conform to this world but of His world, His kingdom; where we are suppose to love; to above all else LOVE.  It is not important that I know if what the Palestinian said was true but it’s important to know it is true for him in his life. It isn't important or necessary for me to find the truth. It is just so disheartening that most people hear a portion of the truth and hold it to be absolute. The best piece of information that I heard this whole trip, of course came at the end, was from Tanas....again. :) He told us, "Just because you are Pro-one side doesn't mean you are against the other."

It is important that our heart is for those oppressed the wounded, the poor, and the suffering AND it is just as important that our hearts be for the wicked, our enemies, the terrorists, the oppressors, and the people who rejoice in the hurt of others. My heart is for them because that is what we are called to do, so that everyone will know that we are different. This is what Jesus calls us to do. It is easy for me to love those who I feel have been wronged. But how hard is it for me to love those who cause the pain of millions of people? Well, its hard but its not impossibly hard when I remember that while Jesus was on the cross dying, being beaten, spit on, mocked, and tortured, He says, and “Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do”.  He LOVED the people who were killing him. It is hard for us to understand because that behavior is not of this world.

It is easy to pick out a bible verse and justify the mistreatment of a people. I'm not just talking about Palestinians and Israelis, but of any person or people that we as Christians harbor hatred toward or mistreat. It is worse I think for us as Christians than anyone else when we do these things because WE KNOW JESUS.  We know what He tells us to do and yet most of us don't.

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." ( John 13:34-35)

What Tanas told me last August was true. Although climbing that mountain was really hard, it was nothing compared to the inner fight I had to go through to get to the point I'm at right now where I can say, “I don't know." I know that both sides are both wrong and right, and as for the details of trespasses, I don't know, but it doesn’t matter. What matters is that we love, that we are not Pro-Palestine or Pro-Israel but instead Pro-Jesus.

As far as prayer request go, I would like to add one.

Please pray for those who feel obligated to take a side or who feel like they must condemn one to back another.
If you are one of those people, pray about it, and try praying for the enemies in your life. It makes a huge difference trust me.